Bringer of Death ABRIDGED
by npberryhill
Summary: Bringer of Death ABRIDGED, written by SuperSaiyanInfinityGohan and edited by the Bringer of Death team, follows the adventures of the great Saiyan prince Vegeta. After deciding on Namek that he'd be a better candidate for Super Saiyan than that stupid arrogant low-class Kakarott, he seizes control of the Senate and becomes the ruler of the new GALACTIC EMPIRE!
1. Ghost of Saiyans Past

**Hello all! And welcome to a story that will hopefully have you smiling!**

**First off, I would like to thank npberryhill and davidstarlingm for the chance to do this parody, and I hope I can match their standards.**

**Now, please note that several chapters from the original will probably be compressed into one here, so this version will have a far faster pace, and also note that I am nowhere near as awesome as david and np, so I can't come up with a schedule (and there is also the various issues of life that I have trouble with as well as managing several other stories) therefore, updates will probably be slow, but I will try.**

**Lastly, the first few chapters are a little hard to work with, but I promise it will get funnier and longer as we go along.**

**So without further ado, here's **_**Bringer of Death ABRIDGED**_**!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Dragon Ball**_**, **_**Dragon Ball Z **_**or **_**Dragon Ball GT**_**. I do not own the story **_**Bringer of Death**_**. Please support the official releases… or beware of Popo…**

**Claimer: I think I own something here… not sure what, though. :P**

* * *

**Season 1, Chapter 1: Ghost of Saiyans Past**

_Vegeta, the prince of all Saiyans, was a tactical genius unparalleled by any other warrior. He dominated foe after foe with his keen intellect and escaped impossible odds with dazzling strokes of genius._

_Thus the prince developed his brilliant plan to ask...a useless weakling...to shoot a hole through his chest...on the off chance that he would survive...and that the young, distraught boy whose family he had mercilessly slaughtered would choose to heal him. Yeah._

_Nonetheless, against impossible odds, Vegeta succeeded! He received a gigantic power boost lifting him beyond his wildest expectations. Confident of victory, he proceeded to attack Frieza…resulting in him getting the stuffing kicked out of him six ways to Sunday._

_We now turn to a pause in the battle, just as Vegeta finally realises exactly how dead he really is._

* * *

"Nuh uh! Nuh uh! It's not true! It's not true!" declared the Saiyan as he sobbed into the ground, tearing at the grass in frustration.

"Oh Vegeta, don't tell me you're actually crying. Wait, you are crying! Oh, this is too good. Say, can you hold on for a moment? I just need to get my camera," Frieza taunted, hovering just a few yards away.

"I...I'm not crying! I'm...I'm just leaking some of my awesome out through my eyes!"

A red light suddenly encompassed the Saiyan, quickening his pulse and setting his teeth on edge. Was this the end? Was Frieza preparing the very attack that would end his life? Looking up, he saw the source of the crimson light: a tiny indicator on Frieza's smartphone.

"Oh no, don't mind me. Please continue. Let's see here and…record," murmured the icy tyrant. 'If I can just get this on YouTube, I'm sure it'll go viral.'

* * *

In another realm, on a small planet containing a rotund deity and a few warriors who used to be important in the series, King Kai watched the unfolding events with great interest.

"Well…phooey. I guess I owe you those five bucks, Chiaotzu. Vegeta broke down and lost; too bad it happened now, though. If he was a good guy, then maybe he would be up here instead of you guys. Oh, how cruel fate is!" the blue being said dramatically.

"Oh, stop stalling and fork over the cash," demanded the small boy… man… clown-thing. Seriously, what the hell is he?

* * *

Meanwhile, on Namek…

"Truly, Vegeta, you have no idea how much of a disappointment this trip was…" Frieza rambled on as Vegeta came to terms with what was going to happen.

"First Dodoria died, then Zarbon, then the Ginyus. This whole trip was one big mess." Vegeta wasn't listening. He was going to be killed. No battle, no struggle, simply snuffed out.

"This is just like that whole jockstrap incident, but at least this has a happy ending. Well for me, of course. After I kill you, I think I'll slowly torture the others to death one by one and then blow up every planet in this godforsaken solar system."

With his monologue over, Frieza walked towards Vegeta, ready to deal the finishing blow.

'This is it,' thought the prince. 'I'm about to die and be sent straight to hell. But you know what, I think I can handle it. I mean, I did survive the jockstrap incident with my sanity. Hah! The only thing worse was being stuck with Nappa for all those years! It's not like they'll do that… I mean an eternity… as in, forever… with Nappa…'

The sky darkened as Vegeta was jolted back to reality, a faint whisper in the air, "_Vegeeeeta…"_

"No!" shouted the prince, his head jerking back.

"_Vegeeeeta…"_

"No, no, no, no!" The planet trembled as the prince felt his horror building.

A small ding sounded as a faded image of Nappa appeared before the prince. "We're gonna have SO MUCH FUN when you're dead! Isn't that right? Hey! Vegeta, Vegeta, Vegeta, Vegeeeeta!"

"NOOOO!" The prince ascended in a blaze of golden glory, his drive to escape an eternity with Nappa pushing his power to its limits and far beyond.

* * *

Back on King Kai's planet, everyone was shocked. "Huh. All right, Chiaotzu: give me back my cash, 'cause this fight just reached Round 2!" the king declared happily.

"Dang it!"

All looked on at Vegeta as his newfound power flowed around and in him. The prince took a few moments before he was fully aware of himself.

"Yes! Yes, it's true! The transformation _does_ make you taller!"

Vegeta now turned his gaze to the icy tyrant, who looked like he had peed himself a little.

"Why hello there, Frieza! Allow me to introduce myself. I AM VEGETA! The Prince of All Saiyans is now a legendary Super Saiyan! I am now...the Bringer of Cookies!"

A tumbleweed slowly blew by as all remained silent. "Wait, no. I meant the Bringer…of…err...hold that thought."

The Super Saiyan angrily pulled a sheet of papers from his pocket and looked over the speech he had prepared for this precise occasion.

"Okay. Let's see here… speech to Cui… speech to Zarbon… big entrance for birthday party…. Lovely Bunch of Dragon Balls, yada yada… all of you better duck… damn it! I didn't finish this one!"

Shoving the papers roughly back into his pocket, the Super Saiyan thought it over. "Let's see here Bringer of what?"

"Doom?" suggested King Kai.

"No."

"Destruction?" offered Gohan in the distance.

"No."

"Forgiveness?" asked Frieza hopefully as he began to back away.

"Hmm, not quite feeling that one either. Ah, forget it; I'm just gonna kill you now!" Without further ado, Vegeta appeared above his opponent and hit him with a hard elbow to the tyrant's dome.

And so the intense fight began. Frieza stuck to blasting energy at Vegeta with all his speed, yet the prince effortlessly dodged every single Death Beam while keeping his arms crossed over his chest as he hovered in the air.

The tyrant and warrior then entered hand-to-hand combat, Vegeta dodging each of the monster's blows while simply slapping Friaza around and reading a magazine.

"Ooh, ooh!" The prince was suddenly giddy as he flipped open the first page. "A sneak peak at the two hundredth season of _The Space Bachelor_, there had better be...ah, yes. And there they are: picture profiles. Hmm, let's see here: implants, implants, ugh...ugly implants, butterface, implants...ooh hey, those might be real..." Vegeta turned the magazine sideways to get a better view.

Frieza was furious. "I DEMAND that you take this fight SERIOUSLY!"

Startled, Vegeta looked up. "What? Oh, right. Yes. The fight."

An instant later, the Super Saiyan delivered a gigantic punch to the ice titan's abdomen, making Frieza bowl over in pain and his face contort into something too horrible for daytime television.

"Co-come now, Vegeta. I was only kidding around. Come on now, let's just calm down and talk this out over at Spacey's! My...treat." Frieza was now bluffing so much that even Goku would have been able to tell he was buying time…okay well, maybe _Krillin_ at least wouldn't have fallen for it.

"Sure thing, Frieza. Just do one thing for me first."

"What?"

"Say hi to Nappa for me." Without further ado, a punch to the face sent the tyrant over the horizon.

"Man, it feels good to be me right now."

"Go Team Three Star!" declared Krillin from the sidelines.

"Okay, he is definitely dead next."

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's all this chapter! ****Till next time, have a great day!**


	2. Frieza Minutes

**Lawyer's Disclaimer, "The following is a for-profit (profit in **_**happiness**_**) fan-based parody of a fan-based work of fanfiction of a work of fiction. _Dragon Ball_, _Dragon Ball Z_, and _Dragon Ball GT_ are said to be owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV and the great Akira Toriyama (as well as some magical elves from Isengard). It is requested that you promptly support the releases which are official.**

**Vegeta's Claimer: "Mine mine mine MINE!"**

* * *

**Season 1, Chapter 2: Frieza Minutes**

On board Frieza's mighty fruit-shaped flagship, a lone Saiyan floated motionless in a strange liquid. Small bubbles flowed over his skin, both ticklish and somewhat painful as his injuries slowly mended. Goku was concentrating deeply, his mind fully and completely focused. "Awhimaway, awhimaway, awhimaway, awhimaway...iiiiiiii...In the junnnngle, the miiiighty junnnngle, the liiiion sleeeeps toniiiight..."

Entertainment. As the healing tank did its much-needed work, Earth's greatest warrior could do nothing but try and entertain himself. It wasn't like there was anything interesting outside going on. Last he checked, PIccolo was still fighting Frieza in his second form…

"Goku! Goku, stop that right now!" yelled the voice of the rotund deity known as King Kai. "I had that song stuck in my head for three weeks already!"

"But, King Kai—"

"But nothing! If you get that song stuck in my head again, so help me I will alter your destiny so that a specific part of your body shrivels up to half size...permanently!"

'But King Kai, there's nothing else! I've already done all the other songs I know: _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_, _Put the Lime in The Coconut_, and _We Will Rock You_! There's just nothing to do in here but wait!' he complained to the voice in his head.

On his tiny planet, King Kai could only listen in dumbfounded amazement at his pupil's obliviousness. "Go...Goku...you're kidding, right?"

"What do you mean, King Kai? Is there something going on?"

The deity sighed before answering, hoping he would not have an aneurism from the sheer stupidity of it all. "Just focus your mind on what's happening outside."

In the tank, the Saiyan shrugged. "All right, King Kai, but I don't see why—HOLY FAIL ON A YAMCHA! Those power levels are way OVER 9000! They have to be both like, 9003!" the warrior declared with great surprise.

"Goku, just shut the hell up and get out there to help." King Kai ordered with a nasally sounding voice, due to him pinching his now bleeding nose.

"Can't," Goku replied simply. He offered no explanation as to why, resulting in another audible sigh from the diety.

"I hesitate to ask out of fear of my life, but why?"

"I'm not done yet. The machine will say it with a—"

"DING!" the machine interrupted him immediately

"All done!" Goku blasted his way out of the healing tank with a huge burst of unnecessary force, the feeble door trying to swing open even after he left. As the liquid drained off of his body and dried in the wind, he flew at great speed towards the battle that was currently taking place.

Well, it wasn't really a battle. It would better be described as Frieza having his vital organs rearranged while Vegeta continued listing the reasons he considered himself to be awesome.

"Number 23: My hair. It's so awesome, gravity can't even keep it down." His fist slammed into Frieza's ribs. "That's right. My hair's defying GRAVITY!"

"It looks stupi—" began Frieza, but another punch sent him careening across the landscape.

"Number 24: My outfit. Let's face it, I'm wearing nothing but skin-tight spandex and a useless piece of armor with a gaping hole in it, but I still look awesome." He caught up with Frieza and slammed his knee into the tyrant's nose.

"And finally, Number 25: My priorities. Everyone knows them. First..." he paused to fire a beam of energy at Frieza, who narrowly dodged.

"Yes, we know," panted the frost demon, jumping back to catch his breath. "Your famous priorities. _First immortality, then the bitc—_"

"THEN YOU AND YOURS!" roared Vegeta with a wild grin, slamming Frieza to the ground with a double fist.

On a cliff a few miles away stood the three warriors from Earth, watching the clash of the titans with looks of awe and inspiration. But when the movie was over, they returned to watching Vegeta vs Frieza. Each was wary of who the victor would be, as clearly either warrior could now swat them aside with a thought.

"Yeah! Go Team Three Star!" yelled the short monk known as Krillin, his fist in the air and a smile on his face.

Well okay, at least two of them were wary—Krillin had apparently been pummeled in the head one too many times in his life. But what did you expect...

"Err… Krillin, are you sure we should be cheering for Vegeta? I mean he doesn't exactly have the best track record. You know, the whole _tried-to-kill-us_ thing?" the young demi-Saiyan pointed out to his friend.

"Relax, Gohan. I'm sure Vegeta's changed, you'll see. When this is over, we'll all go down to Spaceys and share a double-decker McWhopper." The short human licked his lips and rubbed his belly. "I mean, it's not like Frieza could somehow win at this point. Uh, right guys?"

Piccolo and Gohan had both facepalmed, though, so there was no reply.

Suddenly, the remainder of the plateau Vegeta was standing on burst in different directions as the Icejin came forth into the sky suddenly. His left eye was twitching and his form was covered in dirt. The tyrant spoke in a crazed voice. "You're right, Vegeta, you are awesome! But you aren't the only one! Want to know why I'm awesome?! REASON 1: I CAN BREATHE IN SPACE!"

"Well, technically," began Gohan, "no one can actually breathe in space, because space is a vacuum. But I suppose an alien species with a markedly different physiology would be able to survive for exten—HOLY MOTHER OF KAMI LOOK AT THAT!"

The ice demon had produced a sphere of dark red energy above his head and screamed with insanity as he threw it at Namek. "Planet go boom now!"

As the evil emperor Frieza watched his enormous planet-busting death ball viciously speed towards the surface of Namek, a single thought sounded in his mind: 'I don't care what Cooler says, mine is totally bigger.'

During most of this, however, the oblivious Super Saiyan had simply hovered in the air smirking; he daydreamed about the perks of being king, picturing himself on a picnic with a collection of large-breasted Saiyan ladies. But he was suddenly jolted back into the moment with a disgusting look on his face when one of the ladies turned out to bear a distinct resemblance to Dodoria. Looking up, he saw Frieza's attack bearing down on the planet. "Ah, crud."

"Dooooooddddggeee!" yelled Piccolo, who covered his eyes from the purple light.

"Hoooowwwwwww?!" asked Krillin in return. But his answer was drowned out by the howling wind and pulled into the murky green water. Immediately, a small ding went off inside the bald fighter's head as the image of the number 29 flashed in the monk's mind.

"Kaioken times twenty!" Goku yelled, arriving just in time by the handy dandy use of plot device.

The gigantic ball of energy was miraculously sent off course by a blue blast of ki, cutting off Frieza's maniacal laughter slowly.

"But…but why planet no go boom?" The tyrant asked, coming out of his crazed daze.

"Damn you, Kakarott!" yelled the Super Saiyan prince in anger. "I totally had that one!"

"But, Vegeta, why did you let it almost hit the planet?" the younger Saiyan inquired in return, scratching his head.

"I…I…" Vegeta mumbled, struggling to come up with a good answer. That's when he heard it, the terrible ding that signified Nappa was near. A small ghastly form instantly appeared to right next to his face.

"For dramatic…wait for it…pause," the ghost suggested wisely.

The prince sighed, wishing he were dead, and begrudgingly took the suggestion.

"For…dramatic pause." The Saiyan massaged his own temples at the stupidity of taking advice from Nappa.

"Oh, okay then," the smiling Saiyan warrior responded.

Back on the tiny planet of King Kai, the deity smiled with great enthusiasm; he was certain he would win the bet.

"Hey! You cheated! That's no fair bringing Goku into it!" declared the miffed clown-man-child known as Chiaoutzu. He crossed his arms while he floated with anger above the green grass.

"Hey, I have my strategies and you have yours: I play to win, while you die and have no effect on the plot," the cunning King Kai replied.

_Meanwhile, back at the mansion..._

"But, but that's not fair! Not fair at all!" yelled Frieza to no one in particular, his fists clenched in anger, "How is this possible?! I blow up an entire planet of Saiyans, squash their whole planet, and yet they still keep popping up like pimples on a fat chick! That's it! This has gone so far South that I've officially hit Space Antarctica!"

"Oh, Frieza, quit your whining. You're taking all the fun out of this—you should just grovel in pain instead!" The prince was currently enjoying himself to the fullest of possibilities.

Who would have thought that he would have achieved such a great power? How had he thought that Kakarott could have attained this? No, the other Saiyan wasn't nearly tall enough to become a Super Saiyan. This was his right and destiny, in this universe and all others!

"You wouldn't be talking so much trash if I was at full power, you golden excuse for a monkey!" Frieza declared in anger. But then an idea struck him. His lips curled into a smile as he saw the cogs in Vegeta's head turn.

"Vegeta! Don't do it! For the love of Celine Dion, damn-it! Don't you do it!" the voice of Piccolo yelled towards the mighty Super Saiyan. But the prince merely ignored him. "What's wrong with these Saiyans? Why is it that their lust for battle only appears when there's a chance of _us _dying?!" the Namekian asked himself.

Meanwhile in the air, Vegeta made his decision, "All right Frieza, I'll give you two minutes, no longer, to achieve your full power. Then I'll prove to you that at your best, you ain't got jack compared to my Supa' Saiyan swagga'."

Frieza looked incredibly pleased. "So then…for a full two minutes…you won't attack me?" the Acrosian asked, trying to make sure.

"Yes. Now just get your stupid power-up over before I change my mind," demanded the impatient prince. "I heard they're filming a new episode of Space Glee somewhere near here, and ever since I killed the Ginyu Force I've just had this insatiable desire to punch something flamboyant."

Not needing to be told twice, even though he already had, Frieza began to build up power in the area around him. The tyrant's form bulged with raw energy as his muscles quadrupled in size and his veins bulged all over his body.

"It's a good thing you're asexual or else your tail would have shrunk from all those steroids," Vegeta commented boastfully with his hands on his hips.

'GRRRR!' thought Frieza as he continued powering up. 'Why did Salagir start that silly rumor! Now even Vegeta is repeating it. I'll never be able to get a girlfriend at this rate!"

Vegeta continued to chuckle, secretly thinking to himself. 'I can't believe I just let him do that. I swear it's like my love of fighting only surfaces at convenient dramatic moments. Well, I'm never going to let that happen again. Only an idiot would do something like that...'

"Well, Vegeta, what do you think of my new form?" the bulked up tyrant asked, delighted by his own might.

"I think your two minutes…are up!"

The prince shot forth, his fist reared back and ready to deliver a heavy blow to Frieza. But he was stopped short by the tyrant when he put his hands up, waving them frantically.

"Wait! Stop! My two minutes aren't up yet! You said you wouldn't fight me for that long! Where's your so-called honor, Super Saiyan?"

"What are you talking about? I waited at least five minutes in real time."

"Vegeta, I am the leader of an entire quadrant of the known universe. I think I know how long two Frieza Minutes are," the tyrant said with his arms crossed.

"You moron! I was talking about actual minutes, not your stupid made up system!"

"It is not made up! It's used in many territories around the universe! Like Space Sweden, Space Russia, and Frieza Planet 4-1-9!"

_Meanwhile, on Planet Frieza planet 419…_

"I can see the future!"

"Berryhill saves 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico!"

"David and his wife have a kid!"

"Piccolo and Kami turn into a guy!"

"Yamcha dies...a lot!"

"There are lots of specials!"

"Cell's perfect form makes him look like a character from SpongeBob!"

_Back at the ranch..._

On the cliff that held the three fighters from Earth, Gohan suddenly had a startling revelation. "Guys, why are we still here?" the little tyke asked.

"What do you mean, Gohan?" Piccolo inquired to his charge.

"I _mean _there are two bad guys right there that both want to kill us and could easily do so. So why are we standing around here doing nothing? We should just get the hell out of here and let them kill each other."

"No, son." Gohan turned to see his father, his hand on the boy's shoulder, smiling down at him. "We have to stay here and watch the fight. It's our duty as the good guys to follow all the rules, play fair with everybody, and always say 'good game' at the end."

"Goku, you do realise that the only reason you're saying that is because of your brain damage…right?" the Namekian pointed out.

"Yup."

With an audible sigh, the Namekian looked at his rival again. "And you're not going to let us leave here because of some stupid reason, right?"

"Yup."

"Just checking."

Frieza narrowly dodged a punch from the prince, the energy from it destroying a small mountain in the distance.

"RIII-CO-LAAAAH!" came the cry of a yodeler, just as the ground he stood on was smashed to bits. "Oh come on! Even here?!"

The fight between the two incredible powers, now both at full strength, quickly reached its maximum. Explosions rocked the entirety of Namek to its core and sent shockwaves through the atmosphere itself as their punches and kicks met. Goku even began to wonder if they would need to step in.

"Piccolo! This is getting too dangerous! I want you guys to—"

"—leave and let you take care of it? Okay, bye," Piccolo interrupted him. Immediately, the Namek grabbed Gohan and shot off into the distance. Krillin, always one step behind, went chasing after them at his top speed, crying at the top of his lungs for them to wait.

"I…was actually going to say back me up. Oh well, I'm sure they'll be back any second now…yup. Any second," the Saiyan said as he looked to the sky. "I am so dead."

The fight above Namek suddenly received a break as Vegeta was sent into a group of mountains below. "There! You see Vegeta! My power _is_ maximum!" boasted the galactic tyrant, certain he had won. But the Super Saiyan quickly proved Frieza wrong again.

Vegeta calmly rose from the rocks with a smirk on his face. The Saiyan wiped away a trickle of blood from his lip and spoke. "Wow, that almost tickled. But guess what? My turn."

Before the Arcosian could figure out that Popo was dangerous, a fist implanted itself in his stomach, followed by a harsh kick to the face and finally a haymaker to the spine that sent the icy tyrant to the ground in a glorious explosion.

"And now! Here comes your end, Frieza! For all the years you tortured me, berated me, belittled me, and left Nappa alive...taste my Super Galic Flash!"

"Wait, Vegeta! No!" yelled Goku in defiance.

"Kakarott, are you serious? He's slaughtered literally millions and ruined my life. Do you really expect me to let him live?"

"At least ask him if he's sorry. If he's really truly sorry, then there'll be no reason to kill him."

"All right, I'll think about it..."

"Really?" Goku asked joyously.

"...yes, right after I kill him." Vegeta wasted no more time in firing his attack.

"Okay, as long as you think about it."

Slowly rising from the dirt, the tyrant clutched his head in pain. "No, Daddy, I don't want to go on the merry-go-round. The horsies scare me." Frieza then noticed the gigantic, blazing attack heading straight for him and did the only thing he could think of when something deadly, slow-moving and gigantic was coming at him: block it with his hands.

'If I have any regrets for all the countless lives I've destroyed and all the destruction left in my wake, it's that I never got to see the Space Lost finale.' And so, in a golden flash of light, the battle ended...for real...with no surprises after that whatsoever..._riiiiight._

King Kai was awed at the spectacle of raw power he had just witnessed. "And so, the life of Frieza ends. Now the galaxy shall know peace thanks to the one and only Super Saiyan, and there shall be no greater threats…"

Y-yeah, sure.

"You hesitated there for a second."

* * *

**A/N: For future reference (as I may use it again)...**

**1 Frieza Minute= 36 regular minutes. How do I know this? Why, I used science!... Not really.**

**I just found out how many episodes it took for Namek to blow up (9) and since every episode is about twenty minutes, I divided 180 by 5 and ta-da! Math!**

**Looking forward to your reviews!**


	3. Shot Through the Heart

**Disclaimer: The following is a fan-based parody based on a fan-based work of fiction from two fans that based it on a work of fiction. **_**Dragon Ball**_**, **_**Dragon Ball Z **_**and **_**Dragon Ball GT **_**are owned by Fuji T.V., Toei Animation, Funimation and Akira Toriyama (With special mention to the Purple-People-Eater). **_**Bringer of Death **_**is owned by Sir NP of Berry Hill and the great Count David of Starlingm. Support the official releases or somehow I will prank call you.**

**Claimer: This idea is owned by Batman. Because Batman owns everything. (Credit to Team Four Star for inspiration).**

**Chapter 3: Shot through the heart!**

On the small planet owned by none other than King Kai, the deity was currently counting the money he'd won in his bet with Chiaotzu. "Let's see here: twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, and twenty-five space dollars. Guess that will teach you to bet against an **all-knowing **deity." The Kai laughed at his own joke as he put the money away and the midget crossed his arms in anger.

"We'll see how useful you are when the Buu Saga comes around…" muttered the white imp.

"So…Vegeta won. What now?" asked the three-eyed human known as Tien. The three dead fighters and the deity each had drops of sweat on their heads, looking around and waiting on whoever was supposed to speak next.

After a few moments, all of them retrieved their scripts from their pockets and began to turn the pages. King Kai, being the first to find the right place, broke the silence.

"Let's see here, page 13…Yamcha has a good idea, causing the world to implode." At the blue being's words, Yamcha celebrated with a fist pump then flung his script into the air.

"All right! Finally the Y-Man gets some screen time! Looks like I finally found a writer who won't bag on me every chapter! Right, guys?" In response, a piano fell from the sky and crushed the former bandit. As he groaned, his voice muffled from being under the ivory keys, the scar-faced warrior began to whine and mumble "Why me?! Why is it always me?"

"Uh, yeah...why don't you guys get Yamcha out from under there while I contact Kami," the deity sighed as he pointed his antennae towards Earth. 'I swear, the things I have to put with…'

"I can taste my spine!" Yamcha moaned.

* * *

_On Namek..._

The ground slowly ceased its shaking, a hole as big as Space Kansas marking the eternal resting place of Frieza.

"And...repressed. It's finally over!" Vegeta slowly descended to the ground and lowered his guard. "It took two decades, a planet, and my pride, but it looks like the dice are finally coming up for Vegeta!"

The Super Saiyan landed before Goku and folded his arms with a smile. "So, Kakarott, what did you think of that?"

"Wow, Vegeta, that was…really anti-climactic."

In response to the comment, the prince merely shrugged.

"What? Did you think I was going to have some long, drawn-out battle while the planet was destroyed around me? As. If. My way was far more entertaining. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some things to do." The prince removed his phone from his pocket and entered Spacebook, whereupon he updated his status. "Totally just pwned Frieza and Namek XD!"

"Daddy!" came a yell from the sky, as both Saiyans looked upward to see Gohan coming in at great speed. Upon his arrival, he hugged his father's leg. "I knew you could beat him! Did you hang him up by his entrails like I asked you to telepathically?"

"No, Gohan…I did not do that," the Saiyan said, a bit of worry in his voice. "Actually, Vegeta was the one one who finished him off." They both turned to see Vegeta typing away on his phone with a furious expression while he grumbled inaudibly.

"Oh, what's this? 'Pix or it didn't happen,' says Wemu. I'll get your proof, you spineless sack of entrails." The Saiyan turned on his screen camera function so that he could get a better idea of the picture he was taking. "All right, let's see here. Giant hole in the ground, golden Super Saiyan aura, my armor's all busted, and...say, Frieza, could you move like two feet to the left?"

"Like this?" came a chilling voice from a few feet away.

"Perfect!...wait a second…ah shi—" The Saiyan never got to finish his sentence as a purple Death Beam pierced his heart, time slowing down as he felt it pass through his body and out the other side. 'How is this possible?' Vegeta thought, his hair losing its golden glow. 'I killed him! I call total hacks!' Even in that moment, with hope seeming to fade, Vegeta resolved himself. He would still find a way to survive and win this...somehow.

"Is that the best you can do, Frieza!?" Vegeta yelled, his voice choked with blood.

Turning, the tyrant's right eyebrow lifted. "Eh, Vegeta...you sure you're not losing it?"

Vegeta looked down, seeming to laugh at how the blood from his torso squirted out onto the ground. "Tch. That's...just a scratch!"

"A flesh wound!? Vegeta, your chest has a hole in it bigger than Zarbon's enormous, floppy—"

"No it doesn't," Vegeta said casually.

"Well, what's that then?" Frieza said with a smile, pointing down to the spurts of blood that were puddling on the ground.

"I've had worse," the prince replied, trying to shake it off.

"Have you?" Frieza laughed. "Well, I'll just have to do better then." The demon lifted his deathly finger once again and fired several more beams through the prince's body, laughing all the while. "What about now, Vegeta!?" Frieza said.

The prince's gut, shoulder, chest, and hip all had large death-beam-sized holes in them now. How Vegeta was still standing was a mystery in and of itself.

"This?" Vegeta laughed, looking down at his body. "Pah, it's just a flesh-wound."

"But—" Frieza was in disbelief.

"Yeah, that's right, you freakish alien genotype. I can totally take anything you can dish—oh, shit, never mind; there go my organs."

The proud prince fell forward, his face in the dirt and his finger on 'send'. Next to him, Gohan and Goku shook with fear. Behind him, a zombie-like Frieze stood with his index finger extended.

"Sorry, Vegeta…" The tyrant narrowed his eyes, "...but flash photography is prohibited."

Back on King Kai's planet, Yamcha had finally been pulled out of the rubble when all present again felt the Frost Demon's horrifying power.

"King Kai…is that—" Tien, however, was abruptly cut off by the deity.

"Nope."

"But—"

"Uh-uh," the Kai replied quickly

"If you would just—"

"Not going to happen. The only way I'll believe that Frieza is still alive is if Goku himself contacts me."

"Seriously, you're putting the fate of the galaxy in danger…over twenty-five dollars?" the three-eyed fighter questioned.

"…maybe."

Back on Namek, Vegeta had realized this was his end. "Ka…Kakarott. Come closer. I need to tell you something." His fellow Saiyan walked closer and listened intently. "You have to finish what I started. Frieza…he killed everyone. My father, your father...the entire Saiyan race. He's the reason I'm like this. You have to fight him with…everything you have. Not just for me, but for everyone…save the universe…please."

Goku stood there, a stoic expression on his face as he thought things over. "Sorry, I zoned out there for a second, Vegeta. What were you saying?"

The prince wanted to slap his own face in irritation but could not due to Goku currently leaning on it.

"Kakarott…I'll make this as simple as possible: Him bad, you good, you kill him, everyone happy. Comprendes?"

"…almost. Maybe explain it to me one more time, just to be sure?" Goku asked, his voice sounding childish and ignorant.

"I...can't believe...you're the last...remaining Saiyan," Vegeta said, breathing his last. His eyes went dim and his body limp. Slowly, Goku picked him up.

"Why? He was too young to die! Don't worry, Vegeta, I'll honor your request…as soon as I can remember it." Moving a boulder with his mind, Goku found a small cave and placed the prince's body inside gently. He then closed it back up with the same boulder.

The Saiyan knelt and marked the small tomb by engraving a crudely drawn picture of Vegeta in his Super Saiyan form with himself next to the prince; the pair was holding hands and skipping. The caption read "Best friends forever."

It was at that particular moment that Gohan became very curious about something. "Um…mister Frieza, why exactly haven't you attacked us yet?" the tyke inquired.

"Oh yes, that. Sorry, I'm usually a much better villain than this, but the overwhelming blood loss is making me lapse in and out of consciousness. So then, " the Arcosian flexed his power, disrupting the planet once more. "Who's first?"

"Really, Freezer? This is how you repay us after I saved your life?" Goku asked with clenched fists.

"Actually, it's Frieza...wait, what in Space Hell are you talking about? I survived that blast because of my absolute strength, no other reason…wait a second…"

* * *

_Moments prior_...

Frieza was about to be destroyed by the Super Saiyan's blast when he spotted that dimwitted Saiyan just standing there. In a moment of desperation, the Icejin reached out to Goku telepathically.

'Hey! Monkey!'

'Me?'

'Yes, you.'

'Who is this? King Kai? Are you okay, because you sound way more girly than usual?'

"Why you little! No…this is Lord Frieza. I was wondering, could you um…help me here? I'm in a bit of a tight spot.'

'Hmm…I don't know…King Kai did say that you were pretty evil.'

'But I have…um…a pie in the oven! If I die, it will be burnt to a crisp!'

'Pie? No! I'll slow the blast down, you sneak away.'

* * *

_Back in the present... _

"Oh yes, that. You see, the thing is...I lied," the tyrant spat, shocking Goku to his core.

"You lied about pie? Then you truly are evil! I should never have saved you!"

"Duh!" shouted Gohan and Frieza in unison.

"Well let's see how you like this!" Taking three unbelievably fast strides forwards, the Saiyan became enveloped in a crimson aura as he let loose a battle cry. "For all the real pies everywhere, I will defeat you! Kaioken times 20!"

"Kai-o-what?"

The Saiyan shot off at a blinding speed and hit Frieza in the face with a hard punch, forcing the Icejin airborne. Not wanting to lose his advantage, Goku shot off into the sky immediately afterwards. He just barely managed to get above Frieza, hitting the tyrant in his back with a double-fisted attack, sending him back down.

Needing to arrive on the ground first, Goku pushed his speed to the absolute maximum. Would he make it in time? Could he really beat Frieza if he did? Would Angelina and Brad ever actually **stay** together?

Goku reached the ground, bracing, and held up his fist expectantly. He would break Frieza's back just as he had done to Nappa. But when no weight was felt, he looked up to see Frieza with a Death Ball already complete.

"No, no, and highly unlikely," Frieza said, having somehow heard the Narrator's comments. The energy attack was thrown and a brilliant explosion followed, rocking Namek to its core…again…like, seriously, somebody should do something about all these explosions before the damn planet explodes.

"Daddy no!" yelled the young demi-Saiyan. He was certain his father would never be seen again, having been wiped away like dust.

The child balled his small fists and hung his head low in anger as his power slowly rose. What Frieza had just done was inexcusable! Intolerable! Unforgivable!

"What's the matter, boy? Upset that you'll never see your father again? Angry that I wiped him out like all the other filthy monkeys? Well then, by all means," the Icejin spread his arms and puffed out his chest. "Come at me, bro."

"You augmented…callous…narcissistic…bastard son of a Rancor!" The child raised his hands above his head and prepared the golden beam of energy. "He had my iPod! Masenko-Ha!"

The beam soared into the air and crashed directly into Frieza, yet it went no further. The boy pretty much soiled himself, seeing the tyrant's strength. "Truly, is this…the best you could muster?" the Icejin grunted as he held the beam off. "My brother could do better than this! Haha...I think." The tyrant's thoughts were cut off as another energy beam hit him in the back.

Sandwiched in-between the blue and yellow attacks, the tyrant found himself with no way out. He took the full brunt of the fiery explosion that followed.

"Dad!" Not wasting time, Gohan flew up to his father and gave him another hug. "Dad, how in the name of all that is logical did you survive?" The Saiyan responded with a smile and a pat on his son's head.

"Simple, son: The Muffin Button."

Gohan sighed as he had been expecting something like that. "Dad, can I have my iPod back now?"

"Well son, think of it as encouragement to beat Frieza once and for all."

"You're kidding? He's still alive?" The two Sons turned around to face Frieza once more; although this time he looked far worse for wear…than before…again.

"What will it take to get him down?" complained Gohan, visibly irritated.

"Don't worry, son. I'm certain that with the power of teamwork we can beat him!"

* * *

_7 Frieza Seconds later…_

The five year old powerhouse lay on the ground unconscious, drooling uncontrollably and having lost bladder control, whilst the once mighty Goku hung in the Arcosian's tail's grasp, trying to breathe.

'It's a good thing I don't use my brain so often or else I would need a lot more oxygen,' thought the warrior as his face turned blue. Frieza smirked happily.

"You know, I have to wonder at least one thing: Where are your most dear friends that you saved right now?"

* * *

Fifteen minutes prior, Frieza's power had been snuffed out and the group felt at ease. Gohan had taken off towards the location of battle, saying something about having lent his father his iPod for the journey to Namek.

At that moment, Krillin was inside the ship hoping to maybe find a morsel of food and Bulma was trying to figure out how to fly the ship…the same one which Goku had somehow operated with the push of one button. Needless to say, she was not in a good mood.

Piccolo, however, was floating outside in meditation, trying to ignore the woman's shouts of rage…and trying to ignore his _guest._

'Come on, at least one game. _Please!?'_

'How about no,' Piccolo grumbled.

'Oh, come on. Don't be mad just because I beat you ten times in a row…ten times.'

'I'm not mad, I'm just trying to relax. And you are preventing me from doing so.'

'Bauck, bauck, bauck!'

'Are…are you trying to taunt me with chicken noises?'

'I'm not trying, I'm succeeding,' Nail joked.

'Haha, very funny. Would you knock it off? I'm trying to—"

'Namekian Slug-Man who touched my junk says what?'

'All right, that is it! As soon as I find out how to do that mind training thing like Krillin and Gohan, I am going to kick your—what the hell is that?'

A humongous power surge rocked the planet again, even as Vegeta's own life-force was snuffed out. Krillin came from the ship and stuck his head out the door, "Piccolo, do you feel that?"

"I can smell that Krillin," the warrior said as he stood back up, his fists clenched in anger. The former monk, however, snuck back inside to where Bulma was working.

"Um…no big deal, Bulma, but do you think you could…start the ship, start the ship, start the ship!" the midget begged as fast as he could. He even fell onto his hands and knees in tears.

"Why? What's going on?" inquired the billionaire, removing her welding mask.

"Nothing, except the fact that we're all going to die," the monk mumbled out.

Outside, Piccolo was about to take off and help in any way he could when King Kai sent him a message. 'No! No! No! You cannot move an inch, Piccolo! I have everything far too delicately planned! I have too much riding on this!' The Namekian took off into the skies but was again stopped by the deity.

'Darn it, King Kai, I have to go help them! Gohan could die! And...I guess Goku as well.'

'Trust me on this, Piccolo. The plot wants this to happen.' Piccolo used every ounce of his willpower not to move, floating stationary for a few moments before releasing his aura with an anger-filled scream.

"Curse your plot!"

* * *

Back in the present, the tyrant continued. "Ah well, I'm certain that they would not be able to help. Now before I kill you then mutilate your son, your family, and your planet, do you have any last words?"

"You…may take our lives…but you'll never take our freedom!" Goku said boldly.

"Never did like Braveheart. Anything else?"

"You…can't win. If you strike me down now, I'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

"Good trilogy, and somewhat relevant."

"I'll…be back."

"Highly unlikely."

"Okay…what about: Live long and prosper?"

"Thank you, I think I will. Now I hate to disappoint you, but I don't think you'll be able to beat me with famous quotes." The Icejin was barely able to make out what the Saiyan said next.

"Wasn't…trying to beat you."

"Oh really? Then what pray tell were you doing?"

"…st-stalling," Goku barely made out with a smirk.

"Stalling?" The demon said with a laugh. "And for whom exactly?"

"A man with his priorities in check," came a booming voice from behind the Arcosian, followed by a golden flash of lightning.

Frieza's features became taut. All he could whimper was "Daddy."

Meanwhile, in Otherwolrd, "What?! What do you mean I don't get revived?" Nappa boomed at King Yemma. "I got revived in DBZ Abridged!"

"Yes, but there's a difference: This time they wished for everyone who was killed by Frieza's men on **Namek **to be revived, so Cui got to be alive again instead," replied the king, sitting behind his MAHOGANY desk as he turned a few pages in his massive book.

"But, Yemma! What am I supposed to do now?" the tall Saiyan whined, his arms folded like a stubborn child.

"Well, of course you'll still make your appearances with Vegeta, haunting him and such. And we're also giving you the Q&A," the ogre replied, bored and not looking up from his notebook.

A devious smirk came across the brute's features as he said with full confidence, "This is gonna be the best. Q&A. Ever!"

**A/N: That's right folks, I'm going to do some Q&A Nappa-style! Ask any question you want, be it for the story, DBZ or even real life (nothing too personal like relationships or dilemmas, more current events) and Ghost Nappa will answer them!**

**This is Supersaiyaninfinitygohan, signing off :P!**


	4. Hail to the Prince, Baby!

**.esaeler laiciffo eht troppus esaelP .mgnilratS divaD dna llihyrrebPN yb denwo si htaeD fo regnirB :Z llaB nogarD .amayiroT arikA dna VT ijuF ,noitaminuF ,noitaminA ieoT yb denwo lla era TG nogarD dna Z llaB nogarD ,llaB nogarD .ydorap desab-naf tiforp-non a si ginwollof ehT: remialcsiD**

**.sekoj wef a dna tolp siht nwo I:remialC**

**(Tip: Read the above backwards)**

**Chapter 4**

**Hail to the Prince, Baby!**

_Several 'Frieza moments' prior…_

The Saiyan prince awoke in a daze, feeling as if he'd just found himself on the set of 'The Space Hangover 4'. Looking around, he saw the room was pitch black. Unsure if he was alive or not, he tried waving his hand in front of his face, testing if he could see, but to no avail.

"Great. Purgatory. Start doing good deeds at the end of a bad life and you get stuck between two planes for all eternity… At least it's better than five minutes with Nappa. And, on the upside, I got my clothes back from that strange...ogre." The proud warrior's voice was muffled, as if he was inside a cramped room.

Suddenly, then there was an unmistakable *ding*.

"I'm not even going to look anymore, Nappa. Say one blasted word about how this is like that jockstrap incident and I swear I'll find a way to commit suicide in here."

"Well, if you would turn your spikey head five whole inches, you would see I'm not Nappa," a far more grating voice said from right next to his ear.

"Raditz?!" The prince turned to see that a miniature, grey Raditz was indeed floating next to him. "Oh, perfect! This..._is_...hell! Now I have the both of you morons here to irritate me into insanity!" the Saiyan loudly whined, pulling at his hair.

"Oh, so this is the thanks I get? Call me a moron and flat out state that I make you want to commit suicide. Well I'd say you're insane enough without my help," Raditz grumbled, crossing his hands over his transparent chest. "Oh, and by the way, you're not dead anymore. Although that would make my day…" the spectre mumbled to himself.

"And why the hell should I believe you?"

Ghost Raditz sighed. "Just hurt yourself or something and you'll see."

Vegeta considered the idea before punching himself hard in the gut, the impending blow causing him to bend over from the pain. "CHHH!" he spat. "Well, that was a manly punch if I do say so myself. Also...yay," he dryly stated. "I'm alive!" The prince then proceeded to vomit some blood. "Wait just a second...I'm alive, I'm really alive! And that means," he paused to smile, "Frieza soon won't be!"

"Yeah, whatever. Look, I'm just here to get the plot moving and work off some community service," explained the ghost, irritated that Vegeta had been revived by the dragon balls while he had been completely ignored.

"Wait, community service? What the hell are you talking about?" the prince inquired as he stood back up clutching his pain-filled side.

Raditz frowned. "Well, to put it plainly, I refused to take my clothes off in front of that big red ogre…"

"Hah!" Vegeta laughed. "Is it possible that enormous hair is compensating for something? Tch. Lucky you've at least still got your tail!"

"Look who's talking, flame brain," the ghost shot back.

"Touché. Continue."

"Anyways, I managed to escape from King Yemma at the palace but then I fell off Snake Way and landed near some oily German guys. My options for punishment were either to help Nappa with his ghost business, or spend five minutes with them…" Raditz gulped audibly and turned to the side. "I saw things, Vegeta…things that no man, dead or alive, should ever see…they even gave me a demonstration…" The ghost started tearing up slightly before continuing. "In any case, I took the lesser of two evils and now I'm stuck filling in for Nappa every now and then. So yeah, Team Five Star spirit…or whatever."

"Ugh," Vegeta facepalmed. "Just, tell me why the hell you're here, Raditz," Vegeta said, feeling a small migraine coming on.

"In basic turns, I'm here to get revenge on the authors for completely robbing me of so much screen time. I'm a stinking Saiyan, damn-it! If I'd just survived to the Android Saga, I would have been allowed to become a Super Saiyan for sure! Everybody would respect me, I might have had my own reformation arc even, instead of my only cool incarnations being in fanfiction!" Raditz stopped yelling, breathing heavily as he tried to cool down.

"Woah there," Vegeta chuckled. "You mad, bro?"

"Just, shut up and go beat Frieza!" the long haired Saiyan complained. He didn't feel like arguing anymore...he knew it wouldn't do any good. Suddenly, Raditz was interrupted by another ghostly *ding*.

"Raaaaditz," the voice said softly. "Raaaadditz!"

"WHAT!?" he yelled.

"I'm gonna need a dead guy who's as weak as a Saibamen to run some errands for me. You wouldn't happen to know anyone like that would you?"

Raditz began to grind his teeth angrily.

"Ah, I love it!" Nappa said happily. "That always gets to him, doesn't it, Vegeta? Now, I need you to go ahead and get me those supplies," Ghost Nappa said, grinning.

"But, Nappa, I was about to go on my break!"

"—Aaaaand, now you're not," Nappa interrupted. "Now, I want tigers, I want Ray Bans, I want leather jackets, I want bitches, I want a crunchwrap, and most importantly: I want the collector's edition of Bioshock Infinite."

"Damn it, Nappa, that game isn't even out yet (or, at least, it wasn't when the author originally wrote this)! Why do you need this stuff anyways?!"

"Uh uh uh," the bald ghost said, waving his finger. "I can't tell you."

This time it was Raditz who facepalmed.

"It's a surprise!" Nappa said with a large smile. "Alright, boys. Nappa's got pokemon to master, egyptian god cards to duel, and dragon shouts to learn. I'll be seein' ya!" With that, Nappa the friendly ghost vanished into thin air. For a moment, Vegeta and Raditz just stood there, silent. Finally, the prince spoke.

"Hah. Well, Raditz, I don't care what you saw...any fate is better than being a slave to that moron." The prince reached out to feel the energy around him, getting his bearings. 'Looks like the runt and the clown are fighting Frieza. Hmm… since Frieza killed me with a sneak attack it would probably be both ironic and smart not to risk anything and—oh forget it! I'll just go blow him up!'

Taking to the sky and turning into his new form simultaneously, Vegeta quickly found the trio with Gohan unconscious on the ground and Goku suffocating in the Icejin's iron grasp.

'The hell are they saying?' thought Vegeta as he neared his desired target.

"You…may take our lives…but you'll never take our freedom!" the Super Saiyan could hear Goku mumble out.

"Never did like Braveheart. Anything else?" the icy tyrant snapped back.

"What?!" the prince furiously grumbled. "He dares insult Braveheart?! That's it! He is so getting punched!" The prince shot down at blinding speed, just in time to hear Frieza ask the Saiyan one final question.

"Stalling?" the demon asked with a laugh. "And for whom exactly?"

"A man with his priorities in check!" the Super Saiyan boomed. 'Oh yeah! That was totally boss!'

CRACKKKK!

"Daddy?" squeaked the tyrant as a flash of lightning struck the ground around him—the surprise made him lose his hold on Kakarott's neck.

Turning around slowly, the tyrant's worst fears were confirmed. It was none other than Vegeta, standing there in all his Super-Saiyan-Swag related glory.

"But—how, when, where, why, and when? WHEN, DAMN IT?!" yelled the tyrant, now on the edge of losing his mind. "This is impossible! I call hacks!" Vegeta merely chuckled.

"Sup, milkshake?" the Saiyan said, taking a step forward.

"Wh—what?" the Arcosian wearily asked, trembling as he took a small step backwards. Yet the Saiyan only came closer as he moved back. "Oh come now, Vegeta. Surely we can talk about this. How about some Dairy Queen or Spacey's? Treat's on me!"

"Hmm... I would, Frieza, but there's just one problem here," the Saiyan said, looking as though he was genuinely considering the offer.

"What?" the tyrant replied with a gulp.

"Fist!" yelled the prince. His closed hand penetrated Frieza's gut in a mere instant. Oddly enough, however, the stunned Frost Demon didn't really react. Rather, he merely stood there, his mouth agape as the wind blew by.

"Huh? Funny, I swear that should hurt a lot more," the now disembowelled villain said. "Perhaps the initial shock of the attack has cut off my pain recept—oh there it is...ow." In response, Vegeta removed his hand from the Arcosian's abdomen, yanking out a fistfull of guts with it.

While dying, Frieza began to fall forwards, trying to utter his final words in the prince's ear. "So *cough*, this is the end of the mighty Lord Frieza? *cough**cough*. Funny, I would never have thought it to be you, Vegeta. But I can see it all now. The mistakes I made…the lives I took *cough*. Perhaps, in another made up universe I could have been…a good guy. Maybe you and I can could have been friends…maybe—"

"Yoink," Vegeta said. He immediately ripped Frieza's head clear off his neck, causing a loud sound that resembled Space Velcro. "I never was one for philosophy."

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at Guru's Palace_

"Wha—What's going on? Oh yeah. Stopped my heart there for a few seconds… Ha!" The elder slowly looked around his new surroundings. "Wait, why is it so dark? NAAAAAIIILLLLL!" yelled the rotund Namekian. "Gather the Dragon Balls and wish for another sun again. You know I don't like the dark. And NAAAAIIIIILLLLL, the author called me rotund. Kill him like the rest."

"Yeah… I'm just gonna go now," the author said, pausing in fear at his keyboard.

"You can run, but you can't hiiiide!"

* * *

_Back where Frieza's fresh corpse was already beginning to decompose thanks to a lack of refrigeration...oh, the puns..._

"Please don't die. You're the only one I can talk to. If you die I'll never get to tell you I—" the young Namekian paused as he saw the Saiyan tyke rising from the ground.

"Dende? What's going on? Is Frieza dead? Is my dad alive? Did you find my iPod?" the youth inquired worriedly. But Dende was crestfallen.

"I'm sorry, Gohan. I did all I could. But Vegeta…" The Namekian paused before delivering the horrifying news. "Vegeta stole your iPod."

"Damn it! Hey, why are my dad and Vegeta looking at each other so intensely?"

"Beats me, but I think we should leave before Vegeta notices us… I may have said some things to Vegeta I now regret."

"The White Mage thing, right?" Gohan asked flatly as they took off.

"I had never assumed we would win, so I figured I would make the most of the moment."

The two last remaining Saiyans (that we know of right now) stared each other down, Vegeta with his mind racing over how Frieza had survived and Goku wondering what flavor of pie the tyrant had been making.

The Saiyan prince suddenly appeared before his rival and narrowed his eyes harshly. "So, Kakarott, what were you doing?"

"What was I doing?" responded the confused Saiyan.

"Thwartin ma plans?"

"Thwartin your plans?"

"Were you?"

"…yes. Why?"

"Cause that'd be bad."

"How bad?"

"Like I'm-gonna-kill-you-now bad."

"That's bad."

"Indeed."

"Kaioken times twenty-five!" the lower-class warrior yelled, surprising the Super Saiyan and allowing him to land a blow and take off faster than you could say "Kaio-what?"

Vegeta, however, was not taking this lightly. He quickly recovered and shot towards his foe, hitting him in the back of the head and making the Saiyan tumble in the dirt, creating a small crevice.

Goku stood up slowly, regaining his bearings as he rubbed his head. "Ow, Vegeta! You weren't that strong before!"

"Looks like that _injury _Frieza gave me raised my power beyond my previous limits!" the Super Saiyan boasted.

"But death isn't an injury…right?"

"Who has two thumbs and doesn't care? This guy!" the prince said, performing the aforementioned gesture.

The fight quickly re-engaged, except this time Goku was on the defensive as the prince attacked, ferociously using his superior skill and technique. Yet Goku returned with advanced knowledge of pressure points and ki, forming a beautiful display of fighting in the skies of Namek…at least that's how Goku imagined it.

In the real world, he was getting the stuffing kicked out of him.

'Darn it!' thought the badly bruised warrior during a break in the action, landing on the ground. 'I thought for sure that my lower power and constant yelling out of attack plans would throw him off! Well, I have only one chance left.' The Saiyan cupped his hands together at his side in a familiar stance as blue energy formed in his hands.

Vegeta recognized the attack and decided it best to humor his opponent. He quickly entered his own familiar stance and charged a ball of purple energy with golden arcs of electricity around. "Super Galic…

"Ka… me… ha… me…" Goku yelled, still somewhat out of breath as he reignited hi red aura.

"Flash!"

"Haa!"

The two beams connected in mid air, resulting in a tremendous explosion that shook Namek to its core and created a sparkling orb of purple, golden, and blue energy.

"Wow! That's really pretty!" Goku awed as the orb neared him. "I bet Vegeta would really like it too, though. Let me get it closer to him so he can see it better…there!" The warrior pushed forward with all the might he could muster, slowly making the blast approach Vegeta—conveniently for Goku, the prince had chosen to release the attack early, preventing him from adding any more power to it.

"No, no, no, no!" the prince yelled. Time seemed to pause as Vegeta turned his face to the screen. "Something seems awfully familiar about this." Time resumed as the orb neared him. When it was fully upon him, he was forced to abandon his attack and dodge to the side. Yet somehow, the ball of energy remained and began to plummet to the surface of Namek, ensuring the planet's demise.

The two Saiyans stared at each other a few seconds before taking off in the same direction. "Bye!" they yelled simultaneously.

* * *

_Meanwhile, with King Kai_

"Come on, come on, hurry the hell up, Piccolo! There is so much more riding on this than you realize!" yelled the blue deity, urging the Namekian to hasten his pace and reach Porunga already.

"Yeah, yeah I know: Namek blows up, we all die, and then there won't be any more Dragon Balls anywhere, throwing the universe off balance," the warrior said as he finally found the great dragon.

"Um…yeah sure, let's go with that," replied King Kai.

"Alright, I found him, now wha—holy cow! What has this thing been eating! It's like Shenron on steroids!"

"Focus, Piccolo! Now, wish for the shield, damn it! You're running out of time!"

"A shield? Why not just wish everyone but Vegeta off planet? Sounds much smarter," the Namekian pointed out.

"Look, the way things are setup, I—I mean _we, _only win if both Goku and Vegeta survive…" The deity hadn't told his pupil about the secondary bet he'd made with Yamcha.

"_Um…ancient dragon-guy…hi," _the warrior said in the Namekian tongue, which we believe he knew because he absorbed Nail, despite the fact that he had clearly demonstrated its use during Dragon Ball...but who cares about details like that?

"_My name is Porunga. Speak your wish, my child," _the dragon replied, his voice booming.

"_Woah there, wait just a second! My father was a demon king, so I'm a demon...definitely not your child," _Piccolo said awkwardly.

'_You numbskull, I've told you we're slug people!' _Nail explained, within Piccolo's mind.

"_I'm not."_

'_Are too.'_

"_I am not!"_

'_Are too times ten!'_

"_Damn it!"_

"_Okay, look guys, you want the wish or not? I've got places to be," _rumbled the eternal dragon.

"_Yeah? Like where?" _Piccolo inquired, wondering what a dragon would do in their spare time.

"_Do I ask about your personal life? No. I come out here and give service with a damn smile! Does anyone else do that? Does anyone notice what I do? Here I am, generous enough to give you guys not one, not two, but three whole wishes! And do I ever get a 'thank you' for it? You bet your green Namekian ass I don't. I've got better things to do, you know!" _The dragon's yells shook the landscape, causing the oceans to rumble once more.

"_Sorry. Guess I never thought of it that way," _Nail said telepathically.

The great dragon of dreams sighed. _"You know what, its fine. Just—just something I had to say. Anyway, what do you want?"_

"_Porunga, I wish for Namek to have a shield over its surface to protect it from harm," _Piccolo said as loud as he could, wanting to get this whole Namek business over and done with.

The green giant's eyes flashed red as an invisible protective bubble formed over the surface of Namek. _"Your wish has been granted! Farewell! Ungrateful little—" _The dragon lit up in orange light and condensed into seven spheres that suddenly dispersed across Namek. Mumblings of being late for a yoga class hung in the air as the Namekian watched the spectacle.

"…am not times infinity! Ha!" Piccolo suddenly declared in a triumphant voice.

'Are too times anything higher than you can say,' returned the disembodied voice of Nail, making Piccolo growl in frustration.

* * *

_Back with the fight..._

Vegeta slowly regained his senses and stood up, only to find that the ball of crackling energy had already exploded on the ground. Yet somehow there was neither a crater nor a scratch on the planet's surface. "What the hell?!" the prince shot up. "What's going on? Am…am I dead again? Yes that seems like the only logical—"

"Damn it, Vegeta. I'll tell you when you're dead, now move the plot along!" complained the unseen ghost of Raditz.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I get my hands on you, you'll—no!" Vegeta yelled upon seeing Goku's seemingly lifeless body on the ground. The Super Saiyan quickly ran over to the oaf and began to smack him in the face.

"No! No! No! You will not die here, Kakarott! You will die by my own hands, do you hear me? Wake up! WAKE UP!" And wake up the Saiyan did, coughing up a glob of spit right onto Vegeta's cheek. The scene went quiet for a few moments as Vegeta's rage almost broke again.

"One year, Kakarott," the prince said coldly as he lifted Goku by his throat. "You have one year to train, and then you and I will once again meet in battle. You will pay for assaulting my honor, for attacking my pride! You will pay for the injustices you've so boldly committed against me, the lack of respect you've shown for your prince! And you will pay...for my dry cleaning! These suits of armours aren't cheap to wash."

"Wow! A whole Frieza Year? That's very generous of you!" Goku said, grinning.

"Not a 'Frieza year', you dolt! We'd be in GT by then." With that, Goku was dropped to the ground and Vegeta blasted off to create his new GALACTIC EMPIRE!

* * *

_Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location…_

The set was large and resembled an expensive penthouse with a view of the outside city skyline. The camera showed two red seats available, the audience packed to the brim, and zoomed in on a cup with the picture of the host himself. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The Nappa Show! And here's your host, the one, the only...Nappa!" The audience went wild as the camera panned over to Nappa in a white tuxedo with a pink tie and black shoes. The Saiyan was sitting at his desk with two white tigers on both sides of him whilst he played Bioshock Infinite on his computer.

"Oh, hey there, you sneaky weirdos," the warrior said as he turned to the camera. "I didn't expect to see you here!" The audience gave a big laugh. "Welcome, to my Q&A! Here, I will receive your questions—yes yours—and I will answer them." The crowd erupted in a few cheers.

"Now then, let's start off with a good one…" Nappa closed the game and shifted through his e-mails for a good question. "Ah! Here we go! Ahem:"

**Q: "Nappa, you bald-headed buffoon, why do you think that Cooler, after discovering his transformation, did not go and kick Frieza's ass to assert his dominance?"**

_**A: **_Well first off, thank you for noticing my choice in hairstyles. Why did Cooler stay away? Probably because Frieza's big bad daddy was around his little princess 24/7, so Cooler never got the chance.

Next question:

**Q: "So... Vegeta has his own "what if he became the Super Saiyan story"... so does Raditz... Gohan does as well... hell, even APPULE has been the first Super Saiyan in a fanfic! Do you feel hurt nobody's made one for you, Nappa?"**

_**A: **_I'm glad you asked. No I am not upset. I'm a natural blonde, unlike those fakers." The audience erupted in laughter.

**Q: "Are you like ghost Kenobi? Except for the 'giving wisdom' part?"**

_**A: **_Hey! I give plenty of wisdom! In fact, I've written several Space New York Times bestsellers: "How to Nurture Your Saibamen Garden", "Arlian Pets 101" and "The Story of Gohan: Was he Ever _Really _there to begin with?" The audience cheered as the book covers appeared on screen.

**Q: "What happened to Ghost Raditz?"**

_**A: **_Well, you've seen Raditz's story but I think he got into a fight with some papier-mâché before coming to me.

**Q:** "**What are your thought on the Mystic form?"**

_**A: **_Well, I believe it's a form…that's _really _mystical…that and total hacks."

Well folks it seems we've got a whole bunch of questions from one guy!"

**Q: "****Have you ever considered possessing anyone? If so, who and what would you do with your possessed body?"**

_**A: **_Oh, now thats an obvious one! I would possess myself to look back at my childhood memories.

**Q: "****Do you know what Vegeta meant by "9 minutes 18 seconds" being the happiest moment of his life?"**

_**A: **_Of course! It was the exact amount of time it took for us to get from Frieza's ship to the nearest Dairy Queen.

**Q: "****How's Raditz doing?"**

_**A: **_Well I'm certain, Raditz, is thrilled with his new job! Isn't that right, Raditz?" the brute called backstage where he got a rapid response.

"Oh shut up, Nappa!"

"Now the last question..."

**Q: "Dear Nappa, how did you lose your hair?"**

_**A: **_What do you mean lose? I'm just...bald this way! That's all we have time for, folks! See ya next time and remember: stay in school or else you'll end up like Vegeta and become a prison bi—"

"Shut the hell up, Nappa!"

**A/N: In case you couldn't tell, I'm a fan of Bioshock, so a little reference felt nice. In any case, till next time! Oh! Before I forget: This chapter is dedicated to the all-powerful Skar of the DBM and creator of Gast & Pals™ and Viva el Tapion™!**


	5. But Will He Call?

**Disclaimer: The following is a completely profitable endeavour based on real life events, facts and people. It is possible that **_**Dragon Ball**_**, **_**Dragon Ball Z**_** and **_**Dragon Ball GT**_** are all owned by **_**Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji T.V.**_** and **_**Akira Toriyama**_**. Support the official release or else.**

**Claimer: **_**Bringer of Death**_**™ is a licensed television series and owned by Berryhill Corporations and Starlingm Industries. All jokes are licensed by Infinity Gohan Incorporated.**

**(**_**Bringer of Death**_**™ is parodied in front of a live studio audience)**

**Chapter 5**

**But Will He Call?**

The attack ball blasted through space at lightspeed, a screeching sound in its wake. It was curious, considering that sound requires a medium in order to travel—one which space distinctly lacks.

He was nearly there. Lazily opening his eyes, the prince could finally see Frieza Planet 79 growing in size as he approached. He had specifically chosen this planet out of all of the bases left in Frieza's empire. Several factors had contributed to this, including its large garrison of troops, its top of the line specs for intergalactic communication, and what was said to be a legendary assortment of Butter Fingers.

'Can't believe I had to take this pod from that disgusting Cui,' the prince muttered. 'It's all cramped, stuffy and…and—what the heck is that smell? It's so…asexual.' Finally, the pod's signal was picked up by the station down below, the base's systems automatically bringing his vessel in for a proper landing. 'Then again, it could be Frieza's rotting head,' he mused. 'Nah, it's definitely Cui.'

But the lieutenant monitoring the base's sensor array ignored the alert signaling the incoming vessel. It was only after the alarm persisted into annoyance that he finally huffed and shut off his HBO GO Tablet—the most recent episode of Game of Space Thrones had him absolutely glued to his screen. With an frustrated exhale, the soldier rolled his chair over to the sensor station. "Can't believe they killed Rob!" he complained angrily. But as soon as he saw the information his new readout displayed, his eyes widened and he jumped to his feet.

"Commander Malaka, come quickly! Sir, incoming vessel, attack pod class!" the soldier called out. Hurriedly, the humanoid dinosaur doctor entered the room to see what all the trouble was about.

"Yes, yes...what is it? Oh wait, let me guess...Raditz miraculously survived his skirmish on Earth and has been training all this time, and now he's come back here to get his revenge on Frieza?"

"HAHA! Excellent jest, sir. Hilarious!" the lieutenant laughed, always making sure to show appreciation for his superior's jokes.

"Quit your laughing, soldier. You look like a bumbling fool, and it wasn't even that funny."

"Oh, right! Yes, sir!"

"Now, make it quick. What's this all about? I have an appointment in five minutes at the hair salo—eh...I mean...firing range." The trooper stoically and silently paused to allow the awkward moment the fullness of silence it deserved. "What?" Malaka said, shrugging. "It's—um, special training...if you want to get to use the really good weapons!"

"Right. Anyway, sir, I've picked up a signal from an attack pod. It's on course to land in only a few moments. There's just one thing. The pod is registered to Cui, but internal bio-scans of the vessel reveal the only passenger to be Prince Vegeta. Most curious, don't you think?"

"Hold on a second! We can scan the inside of ships from _this_ distance?" the doctor asked, both intrigued and shocked. Had they managed to scan what he was doing in his pod the week prior?

"I know, right? We just had it installed today." Malaka gave a small sigh of relief before the soldier continued. "Uhm...wait a moment, sir! There's something else, a malfunction perhaps. The scanner...it seems to have located traces of...of Lord Frieza himself! He could be on the ship, sir!"

"What?" Malaka interrupted. "Let me see that! Hmm..." he said, looking over the scan. "The air composition within the ship is most interesting as well. It seems to be a mixture of asexual feramones and the rotting decay of a brain."

The dinosaur put his hand to his chin in thought. "Hmm…let's see here: there are two men, together, alone, in a very cramped space...and once, a university colleague of mine mentioned to me that Arcosians give off the stench similar to that of a rotting brain when they are making lo—" Malaka paused suddenly as he realized the problem. If he sent a squad to greet the pod and the squad saw something, everyone would instantly die. Then again, if he didn't send a squad to greet them, it would show disrespect and…well, everyone would also die.

"Soldier," Malaka barked. The alien stood up with a salute. "I want you to send a greeting squad to that pod's landing bay. They should buy me enough time to—I mean, that should show some proper diligence and respect toward Lord Frieza." Meanwhile, Malaka was forming an escape plan for when things would assuredly went south.

Vegeta's pod landed with a thunderous crash on the cushioned landing pad. The prince smirked as he inserted a disc into the pod's computer and selected Track 12 from his _John Williams: Best of Space Wars _collection, musing that spectators (and anyone else who happened to be witnessing this in any way, including reading an account of it) would be be put in the proper frame of mind by the Imperial March.

The pod's speakers activated as a group of soldiers lined up on both sides of the ship, waiting for Prince Vegeta and Lord Frieza to both exit. And exit they did, as smoke poured out of the small vessel and the prince pulled himself out with one hand, slowly revealing his ominous form. The Saiyan stepped forward slowly, stopping for a few seconds as he activated the pod's alarm with his remote, the ship giving off two small beeps.

Seeing only Vegeta exit, and no deaths as of yet, Malaka emerged from the shadows hesitantly before hurrying to be the first to greet Vegeta among the soldiers stationed there. "Welcome back, Prince Vegeta! I swear it's been a nightmare around here trying to make contact with Frieza and our forces on Name-eck," the doctor said, butchering the proper pronunciation.

The prince merely smirked. "Well you see, it is rather hard to answer calls when your vocal chords and your mouth have been violently severed from one another…isn't that right, Frieza?" Vegeta lifted the tyrant's lifeless head to show the soldiers, grinning broadly. All gasped at how contorted the face was, as though the last thing Lord Frieza had seen was five hours straight of The Annoying Space Orange.

A lone soldier raised his weapon slowly, his hand quivering. 'I hope Prince Vegeta knows that on my planet, it's a custom to show respect to our new leaders by raising our weapo—' The trooper was suddenly turned to dust faster than the effects of a Solar Flare.

"Clean-up, Aisle 9," the prince calmly said, the corners of his mouth turned upwards in a smirk. "Now then... Anyone else want to challenge me?" The group remained silent, visibly trembling. One of them even appeared to wet himself. "Hnph. I've seen more backbone in premature infants than you lot. That you pathetic scum are called guards is a joke," Vegeta mocked, turning his eyes to the side. He wouldn't even look directly at these idiots. "Now then, Malaka. I'll be needing some things immediately. As I'm sure you've deduced...I slaughtered Frieza like a pig. I'm pretty sure that makes me the new head honcho around this joint, so bitches need to get moving to shine this place up."

"My Lord, Vegeta. Of course, whatever you say. Anything you ask we will gladly do," Malaka bowed, fearing for his life.

The prince rolled his eyes, mentally making a list of things he had always wanted. "First, I'll be needing a new set of royal armor. This old set shall be framed. Hehe," he smiled. "I might even autograph it in Frieza's blood and sell it on Space eBay."

"Most wise, your grace," the doctor added.

"Pah. You suck up well, Malaka. Keep that up and you'll go far. Now, after the armor we're on to more immediate needs. Get me a three-foot hoagie from Space Subway, then I want all the technicians on this station assembled in the meeting room. Each one needs to bring a copy of _How to parody Star Wars_ and a punching bag that looks exactly like this." Malaka suddenly found an autographed picture of Krillin shoved in his face (the signature being none other than Krillin's itself).

The Saiyan kept walking on ahead of Malaka before he halted in thought. "Oh and while you're at it, find a use for this." Frieza's mangled head was suddenly cast over Vegeta's shoulder and landed in Malaka's hands.

"Yes, Lord, of course. May I ask, did you have anything special in mind?"

In response the prince merely shrugged. "I-dunno," he shrugged. "Coffee grinder, tea mug, hood ornament. Surprise me."

And that was the day Dr. Malaka began to regret his career choice.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the noisy ship heading towards Earth, a small thought was brewing in Bulma's mind.

"Hey, guys, do you think Vegeta will, ya' know...call me?" The ship was suddenly silent. A piece of chicken hung out of Krillin's mouth, saliva dripping to the floor of the ship. Gohan froze, looking up from his escape plans, which he had been planning in order to escape from his mother and the inevitable homework that had piled up while he was away. Piccolo stopped as well, pausing his connection to _iCloud_—which was a very significant action, considering he was listening to his personal collection of _The Best of Celine Dion_.

"What?" Bulma asked, feigning anger. "It's a legitimate question. I mean, we shared a spark. I could feel it."

"You're joking. Right, Bulma?" the short monk asked hopefully.

"Well, why would I? He seems like a decent guy," she retorted, oblivious to how insane this was. 'And have you seen that body?' she thought, biting her lip seductively, rolling her eyes in the back of her head. 'I mean, _damn_!'

"He literally slaughtered entire planets full of people, not to mention an entire village of my brothers," snapped Piccolo. "Even when he was helping us beat Frieza, he only wanted immortality so he could take over the universe in Frieza's place. He'll probably be even worse than that tyrant!"

"And he's tried to kill each of us at least three times," Gohan added with gusto.

"All this combined...no, Bulma. I do not think he will call. Nor should he," Krillin said, hoping to settle the matter.

"Ah, come on. Let her dream," Nail suddenly interrupted. "I think they'd make a cute couple."

"Shut up, Nail!" Piccolo commanded, angered more than usual at his 'guest'. But Bulma ignored the comments and continued.

"So he's a little rough around the edges. You guys just don't see the potential for good in him. In fact, I'm going to track his pod right now so I can—" The debacle finally ended with a karate chop to the neck, courtesy of Piccolo.

"Why do I have a feeling I'm going to be blamed for that?" the always-morbid Krillin moaned. The _Krillin Owned Count_ incremented by one yet again, the small ding ringing in the back of the bald monk's mind.

* * *

Goku awoke with a large yawn on the grasslands of Namek. Instead of checking to see whether the others had left yet, he'd done the smart thing and decided to take a well deserved two-day-long nap.

"Nothing like a little shut-eye right after the battle of your life," the Saiyan said, stretching his limbs. "Hmm…well, I guess I better find a way off Namek so I can train to beat Vegeta. But where to start? Oh, I know! Can't have training on an empty stomach! I wonder if the nearest village has any food..." And thus Goku flew towards the Namekian central village, whistling Jingle Bells all along the way.

When Goku finally neared the village, however, he found the Namekians screaming in utter agony, clutching their ears and hiding their children from the cacophony. When the Saiyan landed, he finally ceased his whistling, much to the joy of the Namekians.

"What's wrong? Is Freezer back again? Gosh darn it, he's harder to get rid of than a fly at a barbeque! Mmm…barbeque." The warrior's salivating ended as Moori clutched onto him with grateful tears in his eyes.

"Are you the one who dealt with the source of that horrid sound, the sound resembling something from the bowels of Hades? Yes, you must be! Thank you, sir! We are eternally grateful! May I ask, what is our savior's name, and as a reward would he like some trees?" the elder questioned, not being able to think of anything substantively better than trees.

"Ah…sure. I stopped the sound, I guess. My name is Goku and I'm a Saiyaman, but I was raised on Earth!"

"I think you mean Saiyan, my friend."

"Eh," Goku shrugged. "Potato tomato, tomato radish. Mm, radishes. And carrots! And cabbages and vegetables of all kinds...do you guys have some stew cooking?"

"Uh...yes, Goku. It's definitely you, then. King Kai already contacted us with the details of reviving your friends." In realization, the oaf slapped his forehead and smiled.

"Of course. I almost forgot we came to Namek for a reason!" Goku said. "And that reminds me...I also came to your village for a reason too…what was it, though?" the Saiyan remained stumped for a few moments as his brain collected the information. "Oh yeah! Is there a ship or something I can take to get off Namek?"

Moori scratched his chin in contemplation and turned away. "Hmm…well, the last ship we had was made to fit up to twenty Namekians and designed for the sole purpose of saving the strongest of our species—ensuring the survival of our race when the cataclysm occurred many years ago—but it was stolen by that punk kid of Katas a few hundred years ago. I suppose you could try our Guru for guidance, but I advise against it."

"Why?"

"Well, it all started about thirty years ago when our planet suffered a horrible—"

"Bored now. Gonna go talk to Guru. Bye!" the Saiyan said shortly, taking off into the sky in a streak of white energy.

"Wait!" Moori called after him. "Don't you want your trees!?"

* * *

Vegeta, with his new blinged-out golden armour—which included a gold scouter, a golden cape, golden boots, and a pair of golden undergarments which were both air-conditioned and extra snug—walked into the room filled with scientists and engineers. Each were working their hardest on preparing designs for Vegeta's new ship, a few quickly dashing through their guides to study up. The prince sat down swiftly in his chair at the head of the lengthy, MAHOGANY table.

"All right let's get this over with. I have a dozen planets to pillage and destroy, a few trillion innocent children to burn alive, an Arcosian parade to rain on, and a buttload of birthday cake to—" The Saiyan's speech suddenly halted as he noticed one of the hologram displays showing an array of ships almost exactly like Frieza's. "What in Space Hell is that?! Why would I want to use one of Frieza's ships? It looks like a suppository."

A foolish, small scientist tried to explain their reasoning for displaying the unsightly option. "Well, sir, although it may not look appealing, its shape allows for easy landings and maximizing space for troops and storage as well as various rooms, engines and—"

Vegeta swiftly cut off the imp with his own argument. "Aaaaand—I don't give a rat's crusty dried asshole. I want sleek, I want red carpet, I want streamlined." Vegeta looked around, seeing the puzzled scientists. If they didn't want to die they had better get this right. But he realized they didn't have much to go on; if he wanted something that looked less like a pastry, he might have to explain himself. "Ya know, so it'll go faster and look awesome and stuff." The scientists remained silent for a few moments.

"Well, you see, Lord Vegeta, streamlining is based on allowing air to move around the vehicle. In space, there is no air so—"

"Would this please my lord?" a female voice said. The holographic image changed to a black and gold streamlined spaceship that basically screamed awesome.

"Woah! That's totally boss!" Vegeta yelled, putting his hand on the table as he got a closer look. "This is totally the best thing I have ever—I mean…*ahem*." The prince made his way back to his seat quickly and sat down flustered. "Most impressive...miss?"

The chair swiveled around and Vegeta expected to see some obese, elderly female. Instead he found the body of a young, grey-skinned, horned alien with spidery fingers. The prince's heart rate increased dramatically and a loud thump could be heard from under his end of the table. Vegeta swiftly put one leg over the other shortly after.

"I am your humble servant Oniya, my lord. It is my sincere gratitude to meet the great Lord Vege—"

"Are you female?" the prince quickly asked, not wanting to have the Dodoria Incident repeated.

"Ye—yes," the scientist responded, slightly offended. She wasn't that flat-chested...right?

"Good, because you're the new captain."

"What?! But why!?" Though Oniya would've liked a better position and rank, suicide missions weren't exactly what she had planned. They kind of tended to mess with her schedule if things went badly.

"Because you're the hottest—I mean most capable pilot within five hundred parsecs of here. And believe me, I know. I travel a lot."

"Well, what about the squad of other highly trained pilots we have here? Their training regimen includes practicing daily with the controls of every design of ship ever constructed, not to mention they are trained this way from birth," the female asked haughtily, folding her arms. If she was going to be stuck with the Saiyan she would at least like to know how much she could get away with.

"They died." Vegeta answered plainly.

"Oh? When exactly?"

"Bout' five minutes from now," the prince quickly replied, smirking. "All right, on to business, slackers. Here's a list of things I want done to the ship, and I want it all done within the week." The prince promptly threw a piece of paper at a more lizard-like scientist, who then read it out loud.

"A gravity chamber, a pool, a dance club, a sunken living room, an open-plan dining room, hot tub, fireplace, fishing pond, a subscription to Space Netflix, a large outside garden and a power source with enough juice to make it look like it's taking steroids." The engineers sweated as they read the plans. "Sir, you do realize that most of this will impede performance by 98%?"

The Saiyan shrugged as he raised his coffee to his lips. "Who has two thumbs and doesn't care? This—PTEW!" Vegeta suddenly spat out his coffee. He immediately held up the cup, finding it to be the bottom of Frieza's hollowed out head. "MALAKA!" The doctor stuck his head through the doorway in reply. "Cross coffee grinder and coffee cup off the list. What does that leave us with?"

"Well, sir, it appears we only have hood ornament now." the creature informed his master, who smiled sadistically.

"Yup. Everything is coming up, Vegeta." And thus the Saiyan took an even larger gulp of the coffee, his eyes bulging open as he once again spat it out. "Hot! Hot! Hot!"

* * *

This hut was far larger than all the others Goku had seen on Namek, not to mention far grander. Its main identifying characteristic was the fact that it sat upon a tall mound of rock about a hundred feet high. This was either Guru's Palace...or somebody had decided the tower of dirt needed a hat.

"Hello! Anyone in here?" the Saiyan's voice echoed as entered the large space. He instantly saw the gigantic Namek, easily twenty feet in height and weighing—

"None of that," the deep voice interrupted, causing the narrator to pause.

Sorry.

"Uh…who are you talking to? Is it a ghost? Can I fight him?!" the oblivious Saiyan inquired with excitement.

"It's none of your concern, young one. I take it you are the new Nailllll! Sorry, force of habit. Anyway, I never knew that article in the paper would work so welllll!"

"Um, sorry sir, but I don't think that your planet has a newspaper business," Goku informed the elderly Namekian, who remained quiet for a few moments.

"New Nail, gather the Dragon Balls and wish for a newspaper system," Guru commanded swiftly.

"Actually, uh, I'm not here for that. I was just looking for a way off Namek."

"Ha! Sucks for you. Only way off here is with a ship, and we don't have any of those. But while you're here, let me raise your power."

"Uh, ok I guess. But...why?" the confused Saiyan inquired as he stepped forward. Guru gently placed his hand upon the Saiyan's head.

"I sense a great well of energy deep within you—a pure energy, untouched by evil and hate—one that could one day save this universe from monsters even greater in power than Frieza. Plus, I reeaallly like to mess with the natural order of things. Why do you think I made the Dragon Balls in the first place?!" And thus Goku's power was raised three-fold in an instant, a small barrier of energy appearing around him as his ki increased exponentially.

"Woah! I feel super strong! I bet I could take on Freezer now! I could probably take out that whole Gangnam Force out by just blinking!" The Saiyan's brain whirred to life as it began to start a laborious thinking process. "Wait a second, I bet their ships are still here!" The warrior turned around with a smile as he headed out. "Thanks for the boost and all, but I gotta run!"

"Halt, young one!" the great Namek called, stopping Goku in his tracks. "I have searched your mind and found you to be pure, therefore I find you are worthy to know that your life's one true desire is here, now, on Namek." The Saiyan's features became taught as he felt butterflies in his stomach.

"You don't mean…" Goku asked, almost out of breath.

"Yes. Search Frieza's ship and you shall know it to be true." For a few moments, Goku merely stood there, not believing that it could be true. The room was quiet until he looked Guru dead in the closed eyes, saying two simple words.

"Thank you." And, like that, the Saiyan was gone.

With all the speed he could muster, the warrior blasted off, his new speed causing the ocean to stand in hundred-foot walls to his right and left. Frieza's suppository-shaped ship soon became visible, the same hole he had used as an exit earlier his decided destination. Landing inside, the warrior hurried through the ship, looking desperately for the ship's control center and mumbling to himself. "Come on. Come on! COME ON! There it is!"

The doors were blasted apart like fire through tissue as Goku ran forward, seeing the large, rectangular button clearly on the console. His hopes high, the Saiyan's muscles tensed as he stared at a single button that could change his life forever. Thus it was pushed. It was quiet at first, but a whirring sound began, followed by the pad in front of it beginning to glow yellow. Something was happening! Small sparks of electricity flashed around a still non-existent object...and then... it happened. The single happiest moment of Son Goku's life: He had found the Muffin Button!

* * *

Vegeta walked the halls with confidence as he neared the meeting hall. This was the moment he had been waiting for. It had taken nearly two decades and **A LOT **of bodies, but now he was ready to assume command of the galaxy. The automatic doors opened silently and Vegeta walked onto the set of The Phantom Menace, surrounded by dignitaries, delegates, leaders and the few remaining dirty, little, money–grubbing Clawfours.

Vegeta's platform lowered to the center of the room as all eyes were on him. The cameras from television networks around the galaxy zoomed in onto the Saiyan. All held their breath, waiting as Vegeta was about to give the most important speech in galactic history (one certain to be lengthy and with the most choice words to handle the sensitive situation).

"Ahem," he began, clearing his throat. "I'm in charge now. Deal with it. If you don't like it then suck my giant, Super Saiyan—" the prince halted his epic speech as he heard a slow clap. Turning his attention the source of the news, he found Cooler's hologram rising up to meet him.

"Well done, Vegeta. Tell me, did you 'defeat' my whiny, little brother when he had an aneurism from all the screaming or did you get him to choke on your hair?" the Acrosian asked in the comfort of his lounge chair from Space Ikea.

Vegeta crossed his arms with a smile. "My, my. If it isn't the most forgettable filler character in all of DBZ. What's wrong, Cooler? You look a little down. Maybe you should go run to Daddy and complain? You're wasting your time with me." The auditorium was filled with the gasps and "Oh!"'s from the delegates.

"Woah...low blow, Vegeta. But out of curiosity, how _did_ you beat Frieza?" Cooler asked. In spite of the situation, he seemed unaffected. However, he was secretly choking a servant off-screen to control his anger.

'Hmm,' Vegeta thought as his face twisting with satisfaction. 'Should I tell them the truth? They'll find out eventually, but I'd much rather toy with them all a moment longer,' the prince thought as a plan formed in his mind. "Well you see, Cooler, after barely surviving combat with some of the fiercest warriors I have ever seen, I made my way to Namek. There, I easily dealt with a former rival and Frieza's right-hand men...and women, if you include Dodoria. Unfortunately, from there I was forced to join up with a rag-tag group of former enemies. But it was still a kick-ass group. The team was made up of a brilliantly wise monk, a child prodigy half-Saiyan, and lastly the greatest and most powerful warrior in the universe...being myself of course. We called ourselves—umm…TTS! It stood for Totalitarian Terrorist Squad...yeah. We slaughtered the Ginyu Force without breaking a sweat, and even after our White Mage was killed and all hope seemed lost, I remained courageous. Soon afterwards, I...Vegeta, the Prince of All Saiyans, became the Legendary Super Saiyan! Even Frieza himself was no match for me, as you all can see from the fact that I ripped his head right from his shoulders. Throughout my adventures I came face to face with death numerous times...and always gave it the middle finger." The Prince then turned to the camera. "The published manuscript is now available for purchase for $20.99. It's called _The New Super Saiyan...Vegeta: A Harrowing Journey._"

The room lit up with applause, regents and lord standing to their feet to applaud their new Lord after his gallant heroism in defeating the tyrant. One among them, however, remained seated, grinning slightly as he shut his eyes.

"Well...an interesting tale, Vegeta," Cooler said, pushing the advertisements off screen. "But it seems you attempted to seize control over the galaxy, whereas true power can only be given as a birthright. We should really 'discuss' the details of your takeover, so as to avoid any unnecessary confusion," the Frost Demon said with a wry smile. But the prince was never for a second in doubt about what Cooler had in mind—what his foe intended as a trap, he would use to his own advantage.

"Oh yes, our 'meeting' is of great importance," the Saiyan said with a wink.

"Well, I for one am looking forward to our 'conversation'," Cooler replied, returning the wink.

"Yes it should be an interesting 'talk'."

The two looked at each other menacingly for a few moments before bursting out into laughter, each convinced the other was oblivious to their scheming. The laughter slowly calmed down, dying into amused chuckles as the rest of the empire watched on. Eventually, the scene was quiet once more—just the two titans staring at one another, arms folded.

"I don't get it!" a random voice said from within the masses.

"So then, shall we meet on, say...a small moon somewhere in my territory?" Cooler offered.

"Sure. Send my lackeys the coordinates. As soon as my new starship is completed, its christening voyage will be to greet you...friend."

"Excellent. So…see you in a few weeks?" Cooler asked awkwardly, eager to push the 'End Call' button.

"Oh yes," Vegeta replied, nearly able to taste his foe's blood already. "Oh and before I forget. I've always wanted to say this to you, Cooler. You're a real pri-" the screen suddenly cut to black from King Cold turning off his feed. The giant sat in his throne, brooding as he twirled a glass of wine in his hand.

"That arrogant little..._Saiyan_!" the king spat. "How dare he murder my precious baby boy! I'll never see him play Little Pink Princess again. And yet if this Super Saiyan nonsense contains some element of truth, Vegeta could pose us an actual threat. In which case," The Acrosian stood up from his seat, his face twisted in anger and his grip on his glass tightening. "When everything _Vegeta _holds dear is in ashes, only then will he die!" The glass in Cold's hand shattered. "Ow, ow ow ow! My strangling hand!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location…_

_The set was large and resembled an expensive penthouse with a view of the outside city skyline. The camera showed two red seats available, the audience packed to the brim, and zoomed in on a cup with the picture of the host himself. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The Nappa Show! And here's your host, the one, the only...Nappa!" The audience went wild as the camera panned over to Nappa in a white tuxedo with a pink tie and black shoes._

_"What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?... Bison!" The audience erupted into laughter and clapped once more. "Thank you, thank you. Now then, onto today's questions."_

_"**Q:** **You're a natural blonde?! Prepare for the biggest fight of the century; Nappa vs. Chilled! Get your leotard ready, Nappa!**_

_**A:** "No need. I always have my leotard ready!" The brute suddenly ripped his shirt open, revealing his green leotard, resulting in another round of applause and several whistles of approval. "Now then, next question."_

_**Q:** **By the way, who's Skar? I can't find those stories.**_

_**A: **"Well, Skar, or Scar-Faced Bandit, is the Dragon Ball Multiverse's resident comedian. He does several parodies and even has his own website. I highly recommend his baking as well!"_

_**Q: Nappa, y u no leave Vegeta alone?**_

_**A: **"Well, I am legally obligated by The Planet Trade Organization to be within five miles of Vegeta at least every ten minutes. It's written in a legally binding contract, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Also, why wouldn't I? We're the bestest of friends!" The crowd erupted in a plethora of awes._

_"**Q: Thanks for giving an update on Raditz. I guess he's calmed down a bit making a horrible mess of the Blood Fountain. How are Snuggle, Fufu, Cabbage-head, Other Cabbage-head, and Vegeta Jr. fairing? Are they maybe helping make a salad for King Yemma's BBQ?**_

_**A: **"Good theory, but no! Who do you think runs this show?" Various cameras began to show the Saibamen around the set as the audience applauded with Snuggle and Fufu on sound, Cabbage-Head on security, Other Cabbage-Head backstage, directing and Vegeta Jr. on camera._

_**Q: Did you have any role in the jock-strap incident?**_

_**A:** "Sorry, another legally binding contract. Can't say a thing." The host suddenly leaned in close to the camera and whispered, "But yes."_

_"**Q: Has King Vegeta confronted you about you telling him to sit down and have a word with Frieza?**_

_**A: **"Well, like I said, Frieza would have had to been aawwfully evil to say no, and I haven't seen King Vegeta, so I think it went pretty well!"_

_"Well folks, that's pretty much all we have time for today! Goodbye, and always remember: I can fly."_


End file.
